Ode to Beloved Papa

As my mother bore the responsibility of carrying me within her womb for nine months, and aiding in my sustenance through her body, so has my father cherished and continuously maintained his responsibility of my care from the moment of my birth till now. Whether it was physical, emotional or spiritual needs he has been my rock to lean on, and a true supporter and maintainer in every sense of the word.

Although sometimes it is his solidarity which has pressed me at times and tried my patience or even my sanity, I remind myself that the jewels put through the most extensive polishing are the most beautiful. Whether we agree on the path I take throughout my life or not, it is obvious from his voice, his demeanour, his gentle manner, and sometimes his aggressive manner that it is out of sincere love and concern for my well-being... in the dunya and akhira. My father is away right now, and I feel his absence more than I ever have before.

You will never appreciate the silent sacrifices your fathers make for you until you feel the pang of sacrifice yourself. But as we may feel some doubt or hurt in making the sacrifice for someone else...our hearts may question it, our nafs may try to pull us away from it, know that your fathers do not think twice about it. The smile upon the face of their daughter, or to see her successful means more to him than any worldly pleasure of his own.

Conversely, the affections and praise, the happiness of my father is second only to the hapiness of my Lord. I have been blessed incredibly with a father who not only loves me naturally because I am his daughter, but because he has understood my emotions, personality and temperment. He takes all of these into consideration and never assumes that I am like other girls my age. My father doesn't spoil me, and Alhamdulillah I see his wisdom in not doing so and am a better muslimah for it: it has taught me patience and helped stifled my nafs' excessive urges for possessions in the dunya.

My father used to be a professor of biology and loves to talk about it which works out quite well, because I am a biology buff as well. We also like to sit down during dinner and just discuss what is going on in our lives and things that are important to us. Alhamdulillah I am glad that the relationship with my father is this way, because I can have other friends, but only he can be my father.

"Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood - he and I will come (together) on the Day of Resurrection - and he interlaced his fingers (meaning in Paradise)." (Reported by Muslim)

I hope that as he has helped me and pushed me towards the straight path and attaining jannah, that I can be a path to jannah for him as well.
(april 05)

Nothing would feel the way this does...

A week ago, I had to get the oil changed. As I was checking out, the man at the register asked me," Have you ever read the Bible? Or thought about becoming a Christian?" Usually this is towards the middle of a conversation, but this time it begun with it. I told him, " I have and it just didn't make sense to me." I explained a bit further. He said he understood, but he could never worship idols the way I did. Obviously he had a warped understanding of what Islam is. I clarified.. we worship Allah, Al ilah, The Diety... the Creator and Sustainer of the Heavens and the Earth, and all that is in it. The All Merciful, The All Seeing, The All Hearing, the Creator of Jesus, the only Diety worthy of worship.

After he asked a few more questions. and I answered, he asked that I should meet his wife and stay in touch. I hope I do get to meet her.

During English class, we were talking about the Rennaisance. The teacher was explaining that when King Henry viii decided to seperate from the catholic church (mostly so he could get a divorce without the pope's approval), calling the new church, "The Church of England", and created protestantism. She explained that although they kept alot of catholic rituals, they didn't have saints, or include Mary(ra) in their churchs. They were "purifying the religion, so it was just you, God and Jesus." Right, you God and Jesus. I spoke up... that it is blasphemous even according to Christ's teachings. Christ told the people to worship God, he himself called out to God, Allah(swt) niether begets, nor is he begotten. Why would you call out to Christ instead of calling out to the God of Christ. She saw my point...she moved on.

Reflecting on these experiences, it seems like maybe they understand the concept... but for some reason aren't responsive to the call. It's almost alien and foreign to them. Anything other than Tawheed , worshipping only and only Allah(swt)... relying on Him for my needs, believing that only He has the power to grant me something or deny me it, yielding that if only He was pleased with me and everyone in the world were not that I would be okay- anything other than that... it would eat at my conscience and my soul. I could not pray to Jesus(ra) to save me, or Mary(ra) to redeem me, or Ali(ra) to help me, or Muhammad(pbuh) to grant me what I desired. My soul would not accept it and my heart would condemn me. Like a foreign object found in the body, it would be rejected and my soul would pound the walls of such a hypocritical shell. When I know that none can save me if Allah has forsaken me, and none can forsake me when my Lord has saved me... then there is no way that even the tip of my finger would accept pleading to anyone other than Him and Him alone.

It seems like such a simple concept. It's amazing how its been corrupted... I don't understand because the awesomeness of Allah (swt)'s power and ability is apparent in everything around us and everything inside us. and we don't even see all of it. Why must people set up limitations for Him?

Verily, He guides whom He wills. May He guide us, and keep our footing firmly on the straight path to lead us to Jannah, and His pleasure, ameen.

(april 05)

Feigning Content

Contentment with little, and gratitude for what you have are virtues. Despite realizing their importance, and not being very worldy, in my heart these virtues always seemed a bit out of reach. I'd feign content, so that perhaps I wouldn't be counted amongst the ungrateful ones. I was content that I was alone surrounded by people who didn't understand, and didn't care to understand. I was content in the incredible amount of effort it took to make myself get up(no, not get up for fajr =P), and get through the day- without completely breaking down. I began to realize, this act I was putting on... might fool others. They'd think I was passive, patient, and could adapt well to change and bear the pressures of being a sore thumb.

But it was just an act. How long would it go on? Even if it went on forever, I was never at peace with myself. "Oh woes me!!" ( I didn't say it, but I sure thought it)... "Oh pooooor me!!! Having to put up with all of this wretchedness, this terrible lonliness." Pretty pathetic, huh? I would pray to Allah(swt) to get me out of this situation...every night with tears brimming my eyes and a choked sob in my heart. "Oh woesssss me!! Allah(swt) make my situation better!!" (I poke fun of myself a bit, but I was really in pain, its only in hindsight that I realize what was going on.)

Alhamdulillah, He(swt) did. I didn't get to run away to Yemen/Egypt to be an alimah. I didn't make a clique of muslimahs. I didn't get married to a brother(that's the best thing since sliced bread), and get a muslim community.

Nope, but my situation got better,Alhamdulillah. I still live in the same area, with basically the same people, with a pretty non-existant muslim community. So how has my situation become better?

I began to let go. I realized if there is a problem that I cannot change, then I must at least change my attitude about the problem. If for no other reason than to stand to live my life(however long or short) and not desperately seek refuge from it (my own life!).

I really had to magnify everything that was beautiful to me, even here, in nowhere, America...and readjust the focus on things which I disliked. It might sound a bit "tree-hugger"-ish, but I would walk outside and simply breathe in the fresh air, and take in the smell of wet soil after a rainy day... feel the sun on my face. Bring everything back to the basics things in life, so that I could count my blessings and not that which I have been denied. There is so much wisdom in looking at the hardships of others. It makes you realize your own blessings. So what if I'm not surrounded by practicing sisters, Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. That is definately a great thing to have, but for those of us who don't... you learn to live with it... There are people who do not have homes, or families, or food, or love. Some do not even expect these things in the near future. That helps readjust your focus. That helps make the contentment sincere. Not just feigning, but really being grateful to Allah(swt) for all that you DO have.

Whatever it is that I don't have, is nothing in comparison to what I do. I have no room to complain. If there is a problem that I can't change, or am not willing to actively take part in changing it, the least I can do for my own happiness and gratitude to my Lord(who is most deserving), is be grateful. Like Dave Ramsey says when people ask him how he is doing, verily in truth he answers, " I am better than I deserve."

We sure are Dave... we sure are.
(april 05)

Is it cheating?

to revive this blog with old entries? This was published on one of my older blogs and I'm consolidating...

My friend and I were reviewing for our Seerah exam. As we flipped through Ar Raheeq Al Makhtum, we would point out important events and observations. We digressed as we started talking about how Medina is still reminscent of his(saw) presence. That when you walk down the paths, and through the fields... you realize, that he (saw) was here. SubhanAllah, she felt that... I sighed, making du'a that I could go someday.

When I used to listen to stories of the sahaba, the love and sacrifices they made for Islam, and RasulAllah(saw), it was always astonishing. They would give up their lives, their comforts, be tormented for someone who was previously a noble, trustworthy man, yes... but some of them did not even know him before the call of Islam. As I read more and more of the seerah, I began to understand.

During the Second Pledge of Aqabah, Abul Haitham At Taihan, interuppted and said "O Prophet of Allah! Between us and the Jews, there are agreements which we would then sever(by signing the pledge)! If Allah grants you power and victory, should we expect that you would not leave us, and join the ranks of your people(meaning Quraish)? "

He(saw) smiles and replies : "Nay, it would never be; your blood will be my blood. In Life and death I will be with you and you with me. I will fight whom you fight and make peace with whom you make peace."

SubhanAllah!! No wonder his companions were so loyal to him, he was loyal to them!! That type of sincerity, love, leadership, wisdom... sadly was buried with RasulAllah(saw). Even in english it softens the heart, and makes you almost cry. The arabic will blow you away. How do you miss him, although you've never met him? It is only his wisdom, and beauty that you've felt faint and faded whispers of...yet you love him more than any other man. No wonder the sahaba would lay down their lives in the blink of an eye to protect him, and to preserve Islam...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for the moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?

No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?

No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Wafaoon ki hum say tawwaqu nahi hai

Drowned in sheets of
feathery confusion
in a twilight zone confounded
by a hollow abyss
fears come alive,
reaching out to touch
lips.

Panicked
cliched goldfish gasping
for water

to me, you are perfect
and i say this
without hope or agenda
my wasted heart
will go on loving you
(love actually)

This may be blog infidelity, but I have a blog on wordpress. About Cairo. InshaAllah updates there may be more frequent later on in the year.

I really want to mush them all together and just use the nifty labels to differ in the categories...but I'm not ready to leave this one yet...
If you read this one, then you'll know about that one. But not vice versa, which is semi-important.

Anyhow...Here are some pictures of my apple pie endeavors. Not as great as my tiramisu, and again I'm banned from creating more fattening foods, but you have to have something to go with chai ;)

Mmmm, apples in a pie crust...

The mess I made...

Ready for the oven

Give me some pie!

My first attempt at making tiramisu turned out much better than I expected. We finished off an 11 by 13 pan in just two days. My mother's warned me though, I'm not allowed to make it again for a long time otherwise we'll all become fatties =S

I spend so much time writing drafts. Some of them I write in lighting speed, and realizing that the grammar, mechanics, spelling are not up to English teacher par, I never get around to editing them. I know all the other posts aren't perfect either, but most of them can be read well enough to understand what's going on.
Maybe bullet points will be more effective in getting all this down:

1. {edited}
2. I'm burning through tealight candles like there's no tomorrow. I really like the musky or jean paul gauntier (complete with a french accent) smell, especially before bed. Except when it becomes too strong its kind of suffocating.
3. I can swim!! Alhamdulillah. After 3 weeks of noodles, floaties, boats, tubes, and my personal favorite the purple air mat, I can float and swim with my head above water or completely submerged. I hated putting my head underwater for some reason for the first two weeks, but now that I can swim underwater, I prefer it 100 times over swimming with my head over water. in the deep end too!!
4. I'm baking lots of brownies. It's a constant bake sale to raise funds for my trip. I will overnight brownies (marshmallow fudge, walnut, chewy, chunky, you name it) ! =D
5. I'm selling my Touched by an Angel CD set, Under the shade of Scrolls (Muhammad al-shareef), and History of the Quran (Isam Rajab), and my complete Tafsir Ibn Kathir at very reasonable prices...and probably better than Amazon or half.com
6. 25 more days...ah.

Ever since my online astronomy class a couple years ago, I've really liked looking at the stars. I can't identify many of them and don't know much of the science behind it, but the few facts that I can remember are enough to have me oo-ing and aah-ing and getting a cramp in my neck. I suppose I could do that even before an astronomy class, but I've come to appreciate them and their Creator so much more. Really its because a little tiny miniscule understanding of the universe just opens you up to realizing how incredibly vast it is, and how incredibly tiny we are, and the Incredibleness of Allah.
Someday, I'll be outside where there aren't any other lights...other than the stars. I'll have someone I feel very safe with near me. =D Then I'll be able to see a whole sky full of stars and I'll find Orion's belt, jupiter, polaris, casiopia, and the big dipper. InshaAllah
The fact that I remember the most is that the light that we see from the stars is actually billions of years old! That's how long it takes for it to reach our eyes from wherever in the universe they are. That totally changes the perspective of time being "here and now" and the future.

If tears could fix problems...
we could cry until they were all gone...

instead
with heavy choked lumps of
sad
in our throats

wishing, praying, hoping
resisting despair

problems that aren't even "mine", but they are "ours" because this isn't about me or you. The heart strings are tied, taut under my rib on my flesh to under yours and on yours. Turning my head away from you to spare myself the sight of the problems doesn't stop the hemorrhaging, the painful, jerking tug to get my attention again to watch our problems, our wreckage...

I keep making drafts starting off topics, some in regards to the current situation in Pakistan, which we are continiuously watching at my house (thanks Geo news) and others in regards to the censorship of the media itself which happened only a few weeks ago in Pakistan. Although these topics have brought Pakistanis to the forefront of the "fanatical extremist islamofascists" list, I wanted to write about another topic that hit home personally. Gorgeous is gone, and if you've ever had a cat you might know what it feels like. That innocent, pure, unconditional love could be the topic of an entry, but really I'd have to be able to verbalize that, which maybe I will later.

I heard something today that struck me. What if you knew with certainty of sight (of hellfire and jannah)? You saw the blaze and the gardens? What would you do differently in your life?
Yet if we wait to see them before we change anything, then it will certainly be too late.

My big little girl heart
is full of
happy wide world hopes
5.23

My students evaluated my teaching on the following 6 statements. 1= Never, 2 = Rarely, 3= Most of the time, 4= Always. The number is the average of 119 responses.

She knew what she was talking about and the information she gave was accurate. 3.307
She was always friendly. 3.384
She was always professional. 3.410
She was approachable and available to answer any questions i had. 3.119
She was fair when grading my papers. 3.068
I learned something while she was teaching. 3.128

Here are some of their comments from the evaluations:

She was always professional and always knew what she was talking about
Ms. Z let us be creative and I really enjoyed having her in our class.
She was a great teacher.
I enjoyed having Ms. Z as a student teacher and I think she will be a wonderful teacher.
Good person
She was hard
too many major grades
pass her
Ms. Z was really good. I enjoyed having her!
Ms. Z was awesome.
I really liked having Ms. Z as our student teacher.
She is the pwnage
She was polite and treated us with Respect!
She made my grade drop almost 20 pts.
She talked to fast and never explained herself
I didn't understand her
I did not like her
1001
Ms. Z is going to be a great teacher, I wish there were more teachers like her.
Thanks for teaching me!
muy bueno
I loved Ms. Z! She was so awesome
She is really sweet and a very good teacher!!
Ms. Z will be a good teacher. Just Chillax!
My average went down about 15 pts.

I'd like to say forgive me
for not thinking this through
some things won't wait
for the right words to string together
and the fabric I'm weaving doesn't
look the right color, but I know that its
softer than anything you've ever felt
before.

Here they come,
the words that have been building themselves up
creating the right little layers of sensation...

Dear Hersheys,

SKOR is not good. It took over a year to sell a standard box of Skor at our store. The last bar was eaten by my own family. Each of us did not like it. SKOR was not a good idea.
***
Thank you for contacting The Hershey Company. Your comments about SKOR toffee candy bar are important.

I am sorry that you were disappointed in this product. We realize that consumer taste preferences vary and that not everyone will like every product. I will share your comments with our Marketing Department.

Our goal is to develop products, promotions, and advertising with widespread consumer appeal. It is disappointing to learn that your expectations were not met. Comments such as yours are valuable and provide input into future planning.


Your interest in our company is appreciated.

This email address is restricted for outgoing messages only. For that reason, please do not respond to this email as the inbox is not monitored.

Maria Miller
Consumer Representative

***
Some better feedback would include: We felt that there was too much toffee and not enough chocolate. We do enjoy many of your other products .

Una palabra no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
igual que el viento que esconde el agua
como las flores que esconde el lodo.

Una mirada no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo dice todo
como la lluvia sobre tu cara
o el viejo mapa de algún tesoro.

Una verdad no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
como una hoguera que no se apaga
como una piedra que nace polvo.

Si un día me faltas no seré nada
y al mismo tiempo lo seré todo
porque en tus ojos están mis alas
y está la orilla donde me ahogo,
porque en tus ojos están mis alas
y está la orilla donde me ahogo.

Nice night for the Cleveland Cavaliers. =)

This morning after I brushed my teeth, I dipped my brush in baking soda and gave em a good scrub. Yay for baking soda and shiny teeth. =D

He's got my queen in a head lock

I like the new blue layout. I actually didn't care for the other ones...they were just there to serve a purpose. I think the blue is soothing, and I like coming to the blog. It's also convenient to have links on my sidebar. Hm, i think it's a new place to call "blome"? =P

I got tagged by ummlayth.muslimpad.com , thanks.

So here are the rules:
People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

Only, I haven't thought of the six people yet, so I'll leave that out for now.

10. I took Business Calculus for fun.
9. I can't sleep with my socks on.
8. I've had crushes on fictional/historical characters, including: Batman (cartoon), Thoreau, Mr. Darcy, Holden Caulfield and Donatello (the purple bandana'ed ninja turtle).
7. I type out replies to threads on forums and close them out without posting often.
6. I listen to my cassette player in my car more than my CD player.
5. I always sneeze 3-15 times in a row...always.
4. When talking or listening to people I have a lot of facial expression, and they can tell what I'm thinking. No poker face here.
3. I remember phone numbers from the 2nd grade. That might be my superpower.
2. I like grits.
1. I may be the queen of awkward conversations. Not just conversations that end up being awkward, not the kind with long pauses, stumbling over your words, misunderstandings, or slips of the tongue; but truly awkward combinations of people, perspectives, backgrounds, situations and issues or subjects being talked about. I'd give examples, but that would be a whole new post. By queen, I also do not mean I am good at them...I've just had too many.

More pictures of the ATL aquarium by Editor's request. They have a place where you can touch the stingrays, and sharks...that was really cool. They also have a HUGE wall of glass where its almost like a theatre and you can watch the fish. They have glass ceilings in some areas, so the fish are swimming around you and above you. Those are the Spider Crabs at the bottom...they were huge. SubhanAllah.

Spider Crabs, jellyfish, The Wall, Penguins, and if you look closely...there's a seahorse too. So if you're ever in Atlanta, go to the world's largest aquarium...

Innocence is dead.

It's been fading in my mind slowly, but I'm jolted awake from the uneasy sleep. Watching the bright red numbers change from 2:13 to 3:38 to 4:19 and eventually tossing my sheets aside. Even in wakefulness nothing seems real, its all blurred and surreal. The ebb of reality pulling away and snatching a part of me: like an elastic gumby doll being manipulated, then having its limbs hacked off. A freak circus mirror with a distorted reflection of self and my world: I feel betrayed. The ebb turns to a wave of nausea sweeping over me because frankly, I can't stomach the truth that is destroying the world I knew.

The reality of what I always knew to be purity, goodness, and innocence is as covered in muck and filth as the bottom feeders that survive on it.

Yet a slim glimmer of hope remains and if only
our prayers are heard
and
we hold on tight enough
and
we rise up high enough
can we shake the shit off
wash ourselves clean
and
repent and mourn the death of our innocence

innocence is dead

I had a strange dream last night:
he is 5 years old and the soft peach fuzz of his round face brushes my cheek as he lays his head on my shoulder.wrapping my arms around the small person standing in front of me emphasizes how our lives encompass each others. despite this, the reflective quality of his expression gives me the startling realization that he is my son. my arms wrap around his back and my hands reach back again to my shoulders. his small body presses against me and i can feel his heart beating through mine. the beating of his heart is calm, his eyes are a deep brown, bright and have the carelessness which only the naivety and innocence of childhood could possess.
I woke up happy and somewhat confused.

mmm...fruit

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me. ED

I've never actually lived amongst Muslims for a long period of time. So over different continents and cultures, I've been a bit of an oddity or a novelty. I think that novelty has become part of my personality. After an introduction, or even before, people are interested in my background, and inevitably my religion. I've got these conversations thoroughly run through, and I know how to carry myself now through them. I realize it has a stagnant effect as well, and it requires great leaps and bounds for me to actually do things to better myself as a muslimah. But now I'm faced with the prospect of living amongst many other people like me. So, I'm a little insecure... once the novelty is gone...and I don't have to answer the normal hundred fifty or so questions I get, what will I have to say? if anything, will it be meaningful?

I might have to discover for myself what's really underneath the hijab...

After today, I really feel like I have failed at life. However, instead of pointing out how I have failed, I will in a concise bulleted list tell about the magnanimous lessons I have learned and how they will impact my life forever.

• always carry poi as mandated by your state and other surrounding states, especially when you are traveling...especially when you are traveling.
• never reach for baklava while driving
• always keep your brakes pressed down hard at a red light
• always stop at least 2-3 feet away from the car in front of you, as to avoid any domino effect bumping
• always note the name, license plate, race, age, gender, car make/model/color/condition of all people involved should they drive away and leave you to take the blame.
• keep fresh brownies handy especially when traveling so as to comfort you in any unforeseen situation.
• carefully note your court date
• carefully in big letters write your court date in a planner
• consult your planner and said court date before making other plans
• when attempting to reschedule, do not leave the job to a secretary...call, call, call, call until the job is done.
• when you cannot clone yourself or make it to the appointment, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail and lose a turn.
  

Sometimes the pain doesn't fade, but it can change over time and take the form of remembering all the happy memories, and the love. It wouldn't be right to not miss them and not grieve. When pillars collapse, those who depended on them will undoubtedly stumble.

Alhamdulillah!!

While checking my email this morning:

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.



Thanks Maya...thanks.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you'll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

who do you love? me or the thought of me?

It really doesn't feel like winter time today. Its sunny, and slightly breezy and beautiful in general. =)

I found this written on February 16th, time 7:58. I think the year is 2004 because the notebook is for classes I took in 2004.

" I can't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child. Though I can relate to the heart grieving at the loss of a potential life (of the merging of two tattered souls in hopes of some completion). A potentially beautiful life, which on its own was simply a series of monotonous tasks- eating, sleeping, breathing. The potential to turn that into a beautiful union in which its factors extend beyond themselves into each other and you're a part of something bigger than yourself your life has more meaning, more worth. To lose this potential for reasons unknown makes the heart grieve and the eyes bleed tears. You dream and think about it everyday and hope that as cheesy as it may be your dreams come true. You do what you can , what you know how, whatever you think might help to make it a reality and you know what they say about hopes, dreams and expectations in general- if you have very low (hopes, dreams) and expectations, they're harder to let down. But sometimes when you find a blessing, when a blessing so wonderful is bestowed upon you that you wonder how you could possibly be worthy of it( so wonderful that you use the word "bestowed"- because its such a miraculous gift of God's generosity)- you let your guard down. You build up hopes and dreams of a utopia which is just an arm's distance away. And for some reason no matter how hard you reach, instead of getting closer you see it slipping further away. "

Today: And eventually, you stop reaching. you tell yourself that it was a dream built on illusions and the self perception which warped your own thoughts, feelings, dreams and expectations. you still can't completely convince yourself to give up, but you continue to tell yourself Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, and whatver happened and whatever will happen is ultimately for the best.

The last post on Hajj was a simplistic emotional outburst attempting to be simmered down, and it didn't do any justice to the awesomeness of Hajj. I could go into the obligations of hajj, the commandments of hajj, the exceptions, the rewards, but really I want to talk about this unexplainable deep almost painful desire to go and realizing not only am I unprepared...I have yet to be invited.

The official Hajj season is over, and muslims from all over the world are returning to their homes bringing back tasbihs, hijabs, and little pieces of Mecca and Medinah back with them. They're also bringing back a piece of the ummah with them. Not only because they have been around others of the ummah and gained from them, but because after Hajj...they've seen the ummah...they've been a part of that magnificent inertia like movement of millions of worshippers circling around the Ka'bah; they have bowed and prostrated as a whole to The One, the only One. They bring back the part of the ummah that is themselves, for they have finally realized what they are a part of.

Hajj changes people. People who didn't really care much for their cultural, "amee-makes-me-pray," "yea its this thing we do," religion, into people who go home and care...they go home and its no longer this thing they brush aside, and hope no one asks them about it. It becomes a part of their identity...they've realized they are not alone. Then they don't worry about answering questions, sideways glances about their hijab/beard. I think Hajj makes people better. It works on your soul. My soul needs to be worked on.

I realize I am romanticizing alot about Hajj, and what I'm thinking might be wrong(it's probably not). I haven't been yet...but inshaAllah I will go soon. I do see the people around me who have gone and how they have changed. It gives me hope, that I can change...do not disenchant me.

Hajj changes people's lives. Hajj makes people better people. Hajj fills you with eman and lets your cup overflow. Even hearing about other people making hajj, and seeing them change for the better, and when their cup overflows with eman, it flows over to all the people around them.

For the past few years I've lived by a personal motto in dealing with other people, and in situations where there is a possibitliy of a bad outcome : expect nothing of people, and have very low expectations. If something good happens you will be happy, if it doesn't then you never got your hopes up to begin with, so there is no let down.

Its worked out okay as well. I haven't been let down very much because of my lack of expectations. However, I've been rethinking this idea...what is the point of the concept of "hope" in my life if I am not hoping and expecting the best? Why shouldn't I become emotionally excited and hope with everything and every kernel of faith...shouldn't we make du'a to Allah with yaqeen that He will respond? This would make not only the moment in which the thing is granted joyous, but rather the entire process would be full of joy and hope and good expectations.

I'm not going to be completely unrealistic...I realize people will still fall short, that is our nature. So when something doesn't live up to all the high expectations, one could suffer the blow with dignity, and grace and gratitude. Learn lessons from it and all that jazz...Isn't that the truer mark of character and of faith, that when things don't work out how we expected them to that we are still firm, thankful, humble, and recognizing it was all in the hands of Allah to begin with...how can we do that if we never had any expectations to begin with?

Isn't there a principle about having high expectations of others, and when they sense it, or outright know it, they will want to live up to those? And why is it that when someone lets us down that we try to justify it away with...meh, he's just a person, what did you expect? Humanity, civility, decency, fear of Allah... are we making the absense of these qualities the social norm? If you are unloyal, lie, cheat, backbite, gossip, letting people down and hurting them willy nilly, that that is just your nature...? I guess there is more to this than what Im writing here...the extremely high expectations have a negative effect, and that in Islam of course we're told about social morals, but how society has applied them or rather ignored them is what is under scrutiny here.

Last question...
Is it as bad to be dissapointing others (through social immorality) as it is to not have any expectations of others at all (because we create a social norm where it is acceptable to be a jerk)?

I'm still thinking about all this, and my personal motto is under serious reconsideration... for now though, I am going to hope with all hope, and pray with all my faith, for the things which are good in my life and I will expect that Allah will grant me the best, and no less.

Project A has turned into a combination of yarns, and I cannot leave it uncompleted. The search for a person willing to wear this continues...and I think will continue for a very long time. =P


Project B which although is one type of yarn, there's a good bit of experimentation with the stitching.My mother won't let me quit making a pattern, its much easier to just knit without thinking. heh.

I was studying with my brother outside the computer hall on campus a couple weeks ago. We were sitting on the patio area outside because the breeze was nice. It was the first time I stayed so late on campus and it was nice to hang out with my brother. He pretended to study and I pretended to read. We talked alot about the end of his career as a "student," and what he would do in the "real world". Talking with him made me a bit scared for myself, although my major has more of a direct job market. InshaAllah it'll all turn out fine. Then he went inside to check his email and get something to eat. While he was gone, a man approached me, and said salaams...acted like he was about to walk away, then asked me where i was from and if i spoke arabic. Briefly looking up from my books, I responded, noticing his well-ironed striped oh-too-colorful shirt. Now knowing that my appearance belied my arabic fluency, he pretended to walk away again. I continued to look too busy to be bothered, the entire time thinking, "when is he leaving? why won't he leavvvee?!? " He approached me again, and told me where he was from. The whole time I'm wondering where my brother was and why he was taking so long. I kept looking at my computer and books like i was incredibly busy. Alhamdulillah, it finally worked and he walked away. He would never have talked to me if my brother was there.

Now, I'm usually interested in knowing about people who might be muslim and even those who aren't (im such a crazy liberal) . It is of genuine interest to me, however, when it feels like you're hitting on me...I get nervous and antsy and can't wait for you to leave. I usually just approach girls. I think that should be the general rule...don't talk to me unless you're a girl. But apparently people don't know about this rule. I would think at least Muslim guys should know this rule. What really irks me is the 21 questions. I really just want to tell people, it's none of your business. Muslim male or not...you don't need to know me, or where i'm from, where I go to school, what's my major, who are my parents, where did i grow up, how my english is so good, am I married, how old i am, what I'm wearing underneath, how long is my hair, what color is my hair. I just don't think it is any of your business. You don't start a conversation that way. It's rude. Ask me about my thing on my head (hijab), why I wear black, am i a mozlem, why i am not christian, where is OBL, or if I've accepted Jesus (as)...questions like that I'm cool with.

I really don't like personal questions. Especially when you're some random person in Wal-mart. Break the ice, ask me where the garbanzo beans are, show me the cute baby in your buggy. But despite my desire to be somewhat comfortable, people still ask very personal questions before they ever say hello. Being "The Ambassador of Islam" that I am, I always politely oblige them with simple truthful, skip-the-details answers. *sigh*

If you know a way to evade personal questions in a polite manner that won't turn people off from you or islam, please do share.

lately, im distracted...

ALhamdulillah, I am a witty person. I don't make non stop hilarious knock you off your chair jokes, but every so often I say something which is considerably funny. Then I ruin it. I don't know why...I know that saying any more will ruin it, yet I consistantly do it. Meh...

I need some yarn, but its this very specific multicolor yarn by Red heart, because I already started a scarf with it, but it's only half as long as it needs to be. The problem is, it's yarn my mom bought a long time ago and it is out of production. I've checked online, in random stores, walmart, etc...no one has it. Sigh... so, I might have to buy some similar looking yarn, but obviously different and complete the scarf. I have started on my blue multicolor scarf as well, but my mom and I are experimenting with the various stitches, so it doesn't look like much right now.

I wanted to post something deep and meaningul, but I'm not up to it, so shallow and meaningless it is.

I am always looking for something productive to do over the summer. I've realized now is the best time to look for something. =) So, right now my options are packing and making arrangements for Misr (which will be done anyway, inshaAllah), hanging out with my family, tutoring over the summer, teaching locally over the summer, taking an internship with ISNA, going back to al-azhar in H-town, or counseling at Ole Miss again. I've been to H-town, and done the counseling at Ole Miss...they were both good but I might want to try something new, a new city is always a plus...especially when its paid for =D

Happy(ness is relevant)

I went to Taco Bell after a while and I got some fire sauce packets, I had never seen before. They said: "Ah...we meet again," "Scratch and Sniff: GOTCHA," "Thanks for rescuing me. At night the sporks poke me." =)

My big du'a for the week: Ya Allah, help me to stop sucking so incredibly bad. =(

I haven't cried since last december. not for lack of reason to... but because I'm cold...=/ That is saddest thing, since decemeber.

If you're bored, and you're my friend... call me on Mondays or Wednesdays at 10-11 am CST or 4-5pm CST. Those are time I commute... I get really bored. Sometimes I want to take a nap, but cruise control doesn't control the steering for me. Anyhow, gimme a buzz between those times and we can catch up. =D

Here is a time zone converter in case you don't live in the Central time zone.
http://www.timezoneconverter.com/

HappyS for today:

I heard from someone who was deeply missed and I was worried about.

I got to talk to my mom for the first time since she left. It still seems a bit unreal to me that she is gone, but inshaAllah everything will go smoothly until she gets back.

Happy for today: I'm alive and breathing, alhamdulillah. In all honesty though, I'm on the brink of breaking down.

"A religion true to its nature must also be concerned about man's social conditions... Any religion that professes to be concerned with the souls of men and is not concerned with the slums that damn them, the economic conditions that strangle them, and the social conditions that cripple them is a dry-as-dust religion... Such a religion is the kind the Marxists like to see - an opiate of the people. "

Happy for today:

I felt really awesome today, Alhamdulillah. I went to the high school library and got a few books for my adolescent literature class. I turned to ask when they were due back... NO DUE DATE!! that is so incredibly awesome, Alhamdulillah. (i am a geek)

Happy for Thursday,
I just finished The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. It was a really good book. I have been reading alot, but I haven't liked anything as much as this lately.

Happy for Wednesday,
My really cool friend from Idaho called me. Then she called again just to hear my voicemail. =)

Happy for Tuesday,
I am getting a promotion at work, Alhamdulillah.

Happy for Monday,
I had a decent parking spot, Alhamdulillah.

Happy for Sunday:

It took me some time to come up with today's happy. Not because it was a sad day, but rather it was rather slow and unproductive. There wasn't much of an up or down to it. Alhamdulillah. I guess it would be that I got to relax at home.

Happy for Saturday:

A good friend called me today for the first time and made me laugh. This day has been marked. =) Alhamdulillah.

Happy for Friday:

My scholarship posted. Alhamdulillah. =D

Happy for today:

My dad's surgery went fine. =) Alhamdulillah.

Happy for today:
My brother took me out for lunch and we got to hang out for a little while. Alhamdulillah.

It's been a long day. The commute gets tiresome and boring. The TESL class is interesting. Definately a diverse group of people. I am looking forward to it. Although... everyone is a graduate student in there with a few years of experience - a little intimidating. I found out I am not eligible for the Mississippi Teacher Corp or Teach for America (the upside to the programs being they pay for a masters if you decide to teach with them for two years), however I'll look into the teacher fellowship program. They require a three year committment...=S I don't want to be here another three years, but inshaAllah I'll keep the option open. I'm polishing up my teaching resume and freely distributing it from atop tall buildings in major cities across north america and especially near islamic schools. Allahu alam if I'll get any serious offers, but I could focus all my efforts on a year of TESL and learning arabic in Egypt. They say you can't learn a language very well as you grow older. (they=linguists) **sigh** May seems to be coming so quickly...Alhamdulillah.

"Happy" for today:
The Dean brought a tray of cookies and brownies for the staff. I helped myself to a brownie. Alhamdulillah.

tempered, seething, seering, condemned, tranquil, familiar.
emotion, sadness, pain, joy, anger, pain, love.
constant, abrupt, sharp, mournfully, cathartic, enveloped
death, disease, corruption, immorality, horror, experience
purity, innocence, lillies, sunrays, chai, a mushaf...

I've inherited my mother's sneezing sensibilities. Never letting a sneeze be alone I always sneeze in multiples- usually in the mornings or because of some dust or something. Recently I developed allergies though. In fits of 20-25 at a time. The mystery is what it is caused by. While making some daal, I sniffed various little jars of spices to find the garam masala, yet... not a single sneeze. I can walk through the detergent aisle at Wal-Mart and break sneezing records. I sneeze while I'm in the house, in the shower, outside, while driving, and I think I'm just allergic to air and life. Alhamdulillah.

I think my allergies are okay now...not because they've stopped, but because they help me to thank Allah... nearly hundreds of times a day. Thank Allah that my worries consist of sneezes, not bombs or starvation, death or poverty, imprisonment or prosecution.

May He grant patience to the Muslimeen all over the world facing trials and hardships which most of us cannot begin to understand the implications of. May the oppressed be liberated, the jailed and imprisoned be freed, may those tested with trials succeed, and may those facing hardships have more patience than they will ever need. May He reward them, expiate their sins, and grant them lofty abodes in Jannatul-Firdaws. Ameen, thooma ameen.

• "Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-a-vis an introduction, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V." -- V's introduction to Evey

I confess I am petrified... petrified of losing everything I once had, or had the delusion of "having." I am deluded enough to think that what I am blessed with & is a loan to me - is "mine." To face sickness after health, betrayal and abandonment after love and friendship are struggles, however, the scariest aspect of this is to fail these tests miserably. Will I be pushed to the point of my absolute threshold and tolerance? will my limited supply of patience end before the trial does?

There is a girl who is a little attention hungry. well, that's an understatement, but anyway I want her to not behave that way, because its not making her cool and she's giving some people around her a hard time. But at the same time I know how it feels to want attention. in fact, I want plenty of attention , I just have to tell my nafs shushuppa.

i'm drowning in work and school now, but inshaAllah will update at some point. um, sharissa dear... I <3 you and I'll fix that link at some point, inshaAllah. I hope you're doing good.

Someone
someone is dressing up for death today, a change of skirt or tie
eating a final feast of buttered sliced pan, tea
scarcely having noticed the erection that was his last
shaving his face to marble for the icy laying out
spraying with deodorant her coarse armpit grass
someone today is leaving home on business
saluting, terminally, the neighbours who will join in the cortege
someone is paring his nails for the last time, a precious moment
someone's waist will not be marked with elastic in the future
someone is putting out milkbottles for a day that will not come
someone's fresh breath is about to be taken clean away
someone is writing a cheque that will be rejected as 'drawer deceased'
someone is circling posthumous dates on a calendar
someone is listening to an irrelevant weather forecast
someone is making rash promises to friends
someone's coffin is being sanded, laminated, shined
who feels this morning quite as well as ever
someone if asked would find nothing remarkable in today's date
perfume and goodbyes her final will and testament
someone today is seeing the world for the last time
as innocently as he had seen it first
-DO'D

I don't need another kind of green to know I'm on the right side with you
So go and drift away from me
adopt some new philosophy
that doesn't hold the two of us in mind
move into someone else's place
stare into some other's eyes
and slowly only come to realize
that you didn't need another kind of green to know
that I'm on the right side
that you're on the right side
you don't need to lose it to know that you
had it good.
-JM

I have my cal final at 1030 am tommorrow. Keep me in your du'as. I hope you're not drowning anymore.

Living in a place where muslims are a minority has its own set of emotional and social baggage. For one, you always represent Islam. While doning hijab, you are identified as a muslim, and all of your actions and words become those of a "muslim woman." People may not conciously, or actively understand that they think this way, but they do. You carry Islam with you wherever you are. Your frustrations, anger, joy, sadness, and laughter are not simply yours, but of every muslim.

How do I know this? I am often the first (and only) muslim these people will meet. They have no other personal experience with a muslim. When they talk about muslims, I am the person they are thinking about (along with OBL).

Sometimes the weight of this, makes me sad. I know I suck. I don't want my suckiness to reflect on Islam or leave them with an impression that all muslims suck like me.

I feel guilty because I bhangra-ed without you.

I'll never tell you
I love you
you'll be on top and
you'll have me right
where you want me
I'll reek of you, your power
some exerting others absorbing
the shocks.
I feel the vibrations of your voice
and the echoes of your thoughts
on park benches. I gasp as you
exhale. Breathing in,
what you breathe out.
I'll never tell you
I love you (again).

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me.

I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles.




It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?




The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.




Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination.




Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.




The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.


One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness, have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.




After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief.

Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.




Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams.

From there, it is only a small leap to the cataloguing of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.




So, choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.

There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.




Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed.

We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.




But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presences, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.

There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is no tension and there are no traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers.

Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow is more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.




Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom… endlessly.



by Kent Nerburn
From the book
"Letters to My Son, A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Women, Life, and Love."
Published in New York by the New World Library, 1994

ASalaam alaikum

So im off to canada...

forgive me for my transgressions against you, please.

Ma'salaam

why don't we lay out under the stars and watch the moon rise into dawn?

Its you that I'm full of hate for
Angry love efficiency packed inside me
I'm making my angry love without you.
Forgive my misgiving
And I may have gone too far
And given too much
Your taking - not enough
Forget my white gardenia
made into the messy sheets
open windows and air out
our memory
we've lingered so long
flickering from flames to
embers to ashes.
All we have to grasp are
handfuls of fleeting dreams.
We are shadows of ourselves
of course, & our lives are made up of
the negative spaces between us.

i can't sleep

The high points of my day:
My little brother playing air banjo for me.
Getting permission to go to Toronto... (for April... =D, im excited(inshaAllah all will go well)).

Low point:
Realizing I have a 6 page paper due in less than 24 hours, which I haven't started on.
Studying for my A & P 2 Lab exam at 11:30 pm (before I start my paper).


I think I'm going to start going back to Premiere Lady. In case I need to lay the hurt on someone. I need to make sure that I actually go and not just throw my $ at them. i need to convince someone into coming with me. I also need to do this so I have more energy during the day, and use my mp3 player, and zone out for a while. I need to find the point where my endorphins kick in and get that natural high.

I wrote this article for my school paper.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” At the heart of secular freedom of speech is the first amendment. This gives us the right to express our views verbally, in writing, practice our religion and complain to the government if we are mistreated. Freedom of speech however is relative. The FCC constantly monitors and regulates TV, and Radio broadcasting. It receives nearly 200,000 complaints yearly and has the authority to revoke licenses and cancel programming which it deems indecent. Things such as desecration of the flag, false advertising and even debatable theories (evolutionism vs. creationism) are illegal or under scrutiny. So, within secular society the boundaries of free speech are tested by dynamic policies and norms.
Within Islam, the idea of freedom of speech exists and is encouraged. The purpose is to search for the truth. However, it is also regulated by laws which do not vary upon the whims of society. Rather they are principles which have foundations in Divine Law. There are moral constraints which are between a person and God such as backbiting, cursing others, and heresy. People will be accountable for these with God. There are other legal constraints for things such as slander, accusing chaste women of lewdness, blasphemy or mocking the Messengers of God, for which we are accountable for within society. Within Islam, people are free to express their views and ideas, give their opinion, and seek counsel - as long as they do not lie, slander, or backbite. Some might feel that this defeats the purpose of freedom of speech. But does this hinder free speech, or resolve to have respectful speech and meaningful arguments in society? In the Quran God tells us, “And insult not those whom they worship besides God, lest they insult God wrongfully without knowledge (6:108).” Muslims are thereby forbidden to insult Buddha, Vishnu, Christ or gods of any other faith.
The Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) was scrutinized, verbally and physically abused by his enemies, throughout his prophethood and even after his death through the centuries. The message that Muslims get from the Danish caricatures is that the Danish newspaper and those who condone the mocking of Prophet Muhammad are acting as enemies of Muslims. The Danish caricatures incite hatred and belittlement for Islam and Muslims, in a world which is already growing in Islamophobia and xenophobia. It may have been freedom of speech, but it was not done with ethical and moral repercussions in mind.
The same artist drew caricatures mocking Jesus (Peace be upon him) and yet they were never published because of the potential uproar and offense. A contemporary example of this double standard is when NBC stated that, Britney Spears was to appear on an episode of “Will and Grace.” She was to do a cooking segment known as “Cruci-fixins.” Within days of this news release the Tupelo-based, American Family Association protested and said it "mocks the crucifixion of Christ" and "further denigrates Christianity." NBC promptly responded with an apology and stated that it would not have the offensive elements in the episode. Perhaps NBC is just more aware of its ethical responsibility than the Danish newspapers and the others worldwide who have actively chosen to continue to offend Islam and Muslims everywhere, by publishing and republishing the degrading caricatures.
This is not to say that a violent uproar is the best way to resolve this. Journalists and those in the media have a responsibility to publish wisely, and ethically. Muslims should also recognize that violent protests do not cause change or bring to light their point-of-view, rather they reinforce the idea that Muslims are violent. Anyone who makes bold claims about the character of the Prophet of Islam, should find out what that man really stood for and what he stood against. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) overcame all the obstacles and persecution from people by dealing with them wisely, and justly. It is an example for Muslims and people everywhere to understand the example he set. He was not only a great figure in Islamic history, but also in the history of the world. His character, diplomacy and standards of ethics are something which if we modeled the world would be resolved of many of its evils.

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

-Sylvia Plath
(Edited)

7 minutes of complete submission
and a flicker of indulgence
the remains are a
blackend heart
surrended to temptation
surrounded in a cloud of
remorseful repentance for
a lifetime. So heavy,
so thick that no flicker is seen
nor shall any flicker pierce through
again

re·as·sure ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-shr)
tr.v. re·as·sured, re·as·sur·ing, re·as·sures

1. To restore confidence to.
2. To assure again.

And you as well must die, beloved dust,
And all your beauty stand you in no stead,
This flawless, vital hand, this perfect head,
This body of flame and steel, before the gust
Of Death, or under his autumnal frost,
Shall be as any leaf, be no less dead
Than the first leaf that fall, --- this wonder fled.
Altered, estranged, disintegrated, lost.

Nor shall my love avail you in your hour.
In spite of all my love, you will arise
Upon that day and wander down the air
Obscurely as the unattended flower,
It mattering not how beautiful you were,
Or how beloved above all else that dies.

-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Seven and a half

It took seven and a half days for the
Sun to come out after she died that day
What can you say to him only twenty
two ? He knows the truth, and so he might,
he might write about it to cope with the hole
Instead he'll fight about it and cling to what's left
Ever wonder what your life would be like in a million
jagged pieces strewn across time? The worst
part is - he stayed sane and had to deal with all
his and our emotions. He had seen her smile his
whole life, even when he couldn't fathom a smirk.
All the towels stacked neatly in the closet
and skinned knees on their way to healing.
The sun came out and there was every smile
he ever knew. Her memory could not be clouded
So what do you tell him only twenty two,
when all the smiles of his life have disappeared in
seven and a half days forever? Sunless-
the bruises hardly heal and messy towels
leave him distraught searching for life.

Everything here isn't about me. everything spoken, felt or thought here isn't always me. just a disclaimer =)

Love is not all: It is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain,
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
and rise and sink and rise and sink again.
Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
pinned down by need and moaning for release
or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It may well be. I do not think I would.

 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Stop ruining me
till all that's left
are hopes and dreams
with psuedo realities
and psychotic smiles.

Stop ruining me.
humbly tainted and corrupted
old habits die hard
especially when they're
destructive.

I don't trust you
all that's left are
the ruins of hopes
and my nightmares
of dreams

09022005

It amazes me
how quickly you can
depress me
although im otherwise
quite content
living
and you made me realize
i don't live much at all
My 20/20 is blurry
and I just figured out
it was hindsight
im blinded by the sight of you
and one day
it'll all be over
and we'll wonder
where it all went.

She wants a promise I intend to
keep. There's more to her and eye than meets
the I and it's us. I'd like to make
her that promise, but something
nothing or everything
holds me back and keeps her and I-
holds us back and keeps me-
holds me back and keeps us-
waiting.
Drenched because she pours her heart
out to me, and I know she sees right through me.
I intend, I intended, I was
a star blazing across midnight, across twilight-
Fierce, brilliant, unforgettable.
The star left a dusty trail of empty.
So did I, I didn't want to.
There are no rainbows beyond this rain,
no promises I intend to make for keeps.

I'm drugs right now, and I feel strange. Alhamdulillah. Kind of like I'm floating. Or at least my brain is. =S