When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for the moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?

No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?

No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Wafaoon ki hum say tawwaqu nahi hai

Drowned in sheets of
feathery confusion
in a twilight zone confounded
by a hollow abyss
fears come alive,
reaching out to touch
lips.

Panicked
cliched goldfish gasping
for water

to me, you are perfect
and i say this
without hope or agenda
my wasted heart
will go on loving you
(love actually)

This may be blog infidelity, but I have a blog on wordpress. About Cairo. InshaAllah updates there may be more frequent later on in the year.

I really want to mush them all together and just use the nifty labels to differ in the categories...but I'm not ready to leave this one yet...
If you read this one, then you'll know about that one. But not vice versa, which is semi-important.

Anyhow...Here are some pictures of my apple pie endeavors. Not as great as my tiramisu, and again I'm banned from creating more fattening foods, but you have to have something to go with chai ;)

Mmmm, apples in a pie crust...

The mess I made...

Ready for the oven

Give me some pie!

My first attempt at making tiramisu turned out much better than I expected. We finished off an 11 by 13 pan in just two days. My mother's warned me though, I'm not allowed to make it again for a long time otherwise we'll all become fatties =S

I spend so much time writing drafts. Some of them I write in lighting speed, and realizing that the grammar, mechanics, spelling are not up to English teacher par, I never get around to editing them. I know all the other posts aren't perfect either, but most of them can be read well enough to understand what's going on.
Maybe bullet points will be more effective in getting all this down:

1. {edited}
2. I'm burning through tealight candles like there's no tomorrow. I really like the musky or jean paul gauntier (complete with a french accent) smell, especially before bed. Except when it becomes too strong its kind of suffocating.
3. I can swim!! Alhamdulillah. After 3 weeks of noodles, floaties, boats, tubes, and my personal favorite the purple air mat, I can float and swim with my head above water or completely submerged. I hated putting my head underwater for some reason for the first two weeks, but now that I can swim underwater, I prefer it 100 times over swimming with my head over water. in the deep end too!!
4. I'm baking lots of brownies. It's a constant bake sale to raise funds for my trip. I will overnight brownies (marshmallow fudge, walnut, chewy, chunky, you name it) ! =D
5. I'm selling my Touched by an Angel CD set, Under the shade of Scrolls (Muhammad al-shareef), and History of the Quran (Isam Rajab), and my complete Tafsir Ibn Kathir at very reasonable prices...and probably better than Amazon or half.com
6. 25 more days...ah.

Ever since my online astronomy class a couple years ago, I've really liked looking at the stars. I can't identify many of them and don't know much of the science behind it, but the few facts that I can remember are enough to have me oo-ing and aah-ing and getting a cramp in my neck. I suppose I could do that even before an astronomy class, but I've come to appreciate them and their Creator so much more. Really its because a little tiny miniscule understanding of the universe just opens you up to realizing how incredibly vast it is, and how incredibly tiny we are, and the Incredibleness of Allah.
Someday, I'll be outside where there aren't any other lights...other than the stars. I'll have someone I feel very safe with near me. =D Then I'll be able to see a whole sky full of stars and I'll find Orion's belt, jupiter, polaris, casiopia, and the big dipper. InshaAllah
The fact that I remember the most is that the light that we see from the stars is actually billions of years old! That's how long it takes for it to reach our eyes from wherever in the universe they are. That totally changes the perspective of time being "here and now" and the future.

If tears could fix problems...
we could cry until they were all gone...

instead
with heavy choked lumps of
sad
in our throats

wishing, praying, hoping
resisting despair

problems that aren't even "mine", but they are "ours" because this isn't about me or you. The heart strings are tied, taut under my rib on my flesh to under yours and on yours. Turning my head away from you to spare myself the sight of the problems doesn't stop the hemorrhaging, the painful, jerking tug to get my attention again to watch our problems, our wreckage...

I keep making drafts starting off topics, some in regards to the current situation in Pakistan, which we are continiuously watching at my house (thanks Geo news) and others in regards to the censorship of the media itself which happened only a few weeks ago in Pakistan. Although these topics have brought Pakistanis to the forefront of the "fanatical extremist islamofascists" list, I wanted to write about another topic that hit home personally. Gorgeous is gone, and if you've ever had a cat you might know what it feels like. That innocent, pure, unconditional love could be the topic of an entry, but really I'd have to be able to verbalize that, which maybe I will later.

I heard something today that struck me. What if you knew with certainty of sight (of hellfire and jannah)? You saw the blaze and the gardens? What would you do differently in your life?
Yet if we wait to see them before we change anything, then it will certainly be too late.

My big little girl heart
is full of
happy wide world hopes
5.23

My students evaluated my teaching on the following 6 statements. 1= Never, 2 = Rarely, 3= Most of the time, 4= Always. The number is the average of 119 responses.

She knew what she was talking about and the information she gave was accurate. 3.307
She was always friendly. 3.384
She was always professional. 3.410
She was approachable and available to answer any questions i had. 3.119
She was fair when grading my papers. 3.068
I learned something while she was teaching. 3.128

Here are some of their comments from the evaluations:

She was always professional and always knew what she was talking about
Ms. Z let us be creative and I really enjoyed having her in our class.
She was a great teacher.
I enjoyed having Ms. Z as a student teacher and I think she will be a wonderful teacher.
Good person
She was hard
too many major grades
pass her
Ms. Z was really good. I enjoyed having her!
Ms. Z was awesome.
I really liked having Ms. Z as our student teacher.
She is the pwnage
She was polite and treated us with Respect!
She made my grade drop almost 20 pts.
She talked to fast and never explained herself
I didn't understand her
I did not like her
1001
Ms. Z is going to be a great teacher, I wish there were more teachers like her.
Thanks for teaching me!
muy bueno
I loved Ms. Z! She was so awesome
She is really sweet and a very good teacher!!
Ms. Z will be a good teacher. Just Chillax!
My average went down about 15 pts.

I'd like to say forgive me
for not thinking this through
some things won't wait
for the right words to string together
and the fabric I'm weaving doesn't
look the right color, but I know that its
softer than anything you've ever felt
before.

Here they come,
the words that have been building themselves up
creating the right little layers of sensation...

Dear Hersheys,

SKOR is not good. It took over a year to sell a standard box of Skor at our store. The last bar was eaten by my own family. Each of us did not like it. SKOR was not a good idea.
***
Thank you for contacting The Hershey Company. Your comments about SKOR toffee candy bar are important.

I am sorry that you were disappointed in this product. We realize that consumer taste preferences vary and that not everyone will like every product. I will share your comments with our Marketing Department.

Our goal is to develop products, promotions, and advertising with widespread consumer appeal. It is disappointing to learn that your expectations were not met. Comments such as yours are valuable and provide input into future planning.


Your interest in our company is appreciated.

This email address is restricted for outgoing messages only. For that reason, please do not respond to this email as the inbox is not monitored.

Maria Miller
Consumer Representative

***
Some better feedback would include: We felt that there was too much toffee and not enough chocolate. We do enjoy many of your other products .

Una palabra no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
igual que el viento que esconde el agua
como las flores que esconde el lodo.

Una mirada no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo dice todo
como la lluvia sobre tu cara
o el viejo mapa de algún tesoro.

Una verdad no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
como una hoguera que no se apaga
como una piedra que nace polvo.

Si un día me faltas no seré nada
y al mismo tiempo lo seré todo
porque en tus ojos están mis alas
y está la orilla donde me ahogo,
porque en tus ojos están mis alas
y está la orilla donde me ahogo.

Nice night for the Cleveland Cavaliers. =)

This morning after I brushed my teeth, I dipped my brush in baking soda and gave em a good scrub. Yay for baking soda and shiny teeth. =D

He's got my queen in a head lock

I like the new blue layout. I actually didn't care for the other ones...they were just there to serve a purpose. I think the blue is soothing, and I like coming to the blog. It's also convenient to have links on my sidebar. Hm, i think it's a new place to call "blome"? =P

I got tagged by ummlayth.muslimpad.com , thanks.

So here are the rules:
People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

Only, I haven't thought of the six people yet, so I'll leave that out for now.

10. I took Business Calculus for fun.
9. I can't sleep with my socks on.
8. I've had crushes on fictional/historical characters, including: Batman (cartoon), Thoreau, Mr. Darcy, Holden Caulfield and Donatello (the purple bandana'ed ninja turtle).
7. I type out replies to threads on forums and close them out without posting often.
6. I listen to my cassette player in my car more than my CD player.
5. I always sneeze 3-15 times in a row...always.
4. When talking or listening to people I have a lot of facial expression, and they can tell what I'm thinking. No poker face here.
3. I remember phone numbers from the 2nd grade. That might be my superpower.
2. I like grits.
1. I may be the queen of awkward conversations. Not just conversations that end up being awkward, not the kind with long pauses, stumbling over your words, misunderstandings, or slips of the tongue; but truly awkward combinations of people, perspectives, backgrounds, situations and issues or subjects being talked about. I'd give examples, but that would be a whole new post. By queen, I also do not mean I am good at them...I've just had too many.

More pictures of the ATL aquarium by Editor's request. They have a place where you can touch the stingrays, and sharks...that was really cool. They also have a HUGE wall of glass where its almost like a theatre and you can watch the fish. They have glass ceilings in some areas, so the fish are swimming around you and above you. Those are the Spider Crabs at the bottom...they were huge. SubhanAllah.

Spider Crabs, jellyfish, The Wall, Penguins, and if you look closely...there's a seahorse too. So if you're ever in Atlanta, go to the world's largest aquarium...

Innocence is dead.

It's been fading in my mind slowly, but I'm jolted awake from the uneasy sleep. Watching the bright red numbers change from 2:13 to 3:38 to 4:19 and eventually tossing my sheets aside. Even in wakefulness nothing seems real, its all blurred and surreal. The ebb of reality pulling away and snatching a part of me: like an elastic gumby doll being manipulated, then having its limbs hacked off. A freak circus mirror with a distorted reflection of self and my world: I feel betrayed. The ebb turns to a wave of nausea sweeping over me because frankly, I can't stomach the truth that is destroying the world I knew.

The reality of what I always knew to be purity, goodness, and innocence is as covered in muck and filth as the bottom feeders that survive on it.

Yet a slim glimmer of hope remains and if only
our prayers are heard
and
we hold on tight enough
and
we rise up high enough
can we shake the shit off
wash ourselves clean
and
repent and mourn the death of our innocence

innocence is dead

I had a strange dream last night:
he is 5 years old and the soft peach fuzz of his round face brushes my cheek as he lays his head on my shoulder.wrapping my arms around the small person standing in front of me emphasizes how our lives encompass each others. despite this, the reflective quality of his expression gives me the startling realization that he is my son. my arms wrap around his back and my hands reach back again to my shoulders. his small body presses against me and i can feel his heart beating through mine. the beating of his heart is calm, his eyes are a deep brown, bright and have the carelessness which only the naivety and innocence of childhood could possess.
I woke up happy and somewhat confused.

mmm...fruit

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me. ED

I've never actually lived amongst Muslims for a long period of time. So over different continents and cultures, I've been a bit of an oddity or a novelty. I think that novelty has become part of my personality. After an introduction, or even before, people are interested in my background, and inevitably my religion. I've got these conversations thoroughly run through, and I know how to carry myself now through them. I realize it has a stagnant effect as well, and it requires great leaps and bounds for me to actually do things to better myself as a muslimah. But now I'm faced with the prospect of living amongst many other people like me. So, I'm a little insecure... once the novelty is gone...and I don't have to answer the normal hundred fifty or so questions I get, what will I have to say? if anything, will it be meaningful?

I might have to discover for myself what's really underneath the hijab...

After today, I really feel like I have failed at life. However, instead of pointing out how I have failed, I will in a concise bulleted list tell about the magnanimous lessons I have learned and how they will impact my life forever.

• always carry poi as mandated by your state and other surrounding states, especially when you are traveling...especially when you are traveling.
• never reach for baklava while driving
• always keep your brakes pressed down hard at a red light
• always stop at least 2-3 feet away from the car in front of you, as to avoid any domino effect bumping
• always note the name, license plate, race, age, gender, car make/model/color/condition of all people involved should they drive away and leave you to take the blame.
• keep fresh brownies handy especially when traveling so as to comfort you in any unforeseen situation.
• carefully note your court date
• carefully in big letters write your court date in a planner
• consult your planner and said court date before making other plans
• when attempting to reschedule, do not leave the job to a secretary...call, call, call, call until the job is done.
• when you cannot clone yourself or make it to the appointment, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail and lose a turn.
  

Sometimes the pain doesn't fade, but it can change over time and take the form of remembering all the happy memories, and the love. It wouldn't be right to not miss them and not grieve. When pillars collapse, those who depended on them will undoubtedly stumble.

Alhamdulillah!!

While checking my email this morning:

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.



Thanks Maya...thanks.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you'll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

who do you love? me or the thought of me?

It really doesn't feel like winter time today. Its sunny, and slightly breezy and beautiful in general. =)

I found this written on February 16th, time 7:58. I think the year is 2004 because the notebook is for classes I took in 2004.

" I can't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child. Though I can relate to the heart grieving at the loss of a potential life (of the merging of two tattered souls in hopes of some completion). A potentially beautiful life, which on its own was simply a series of monotonous tasks- eating, sleeping, breathing. The potential to turn that into a beautiful union in which its factors extend beyond themselves into each other and you're a part of something bigger than yourself your life has more meaning, more worth. To lose this potential for reasons unknown makes the heart grieve and the eyes bleed tears. You dream and think about it everyday and hope that as cheesy as it may be your dreams come true. You do what you can , what you know how, whatever you think might help to make it a reality and you know what they say about hopes, dreams and expectations in general- if you have very low (hopes, dreams) and expectations, they're harder to let down. But sometimes when you find a blessing, when a blessing so wonderful is bestowed upon you that you wonder how you could possibly be worthy of it( so wonderful that you use the word "bestowed"- because its such a miraculous gift of God's generosity)- you let your guard down. You build up hopes and dreams of a utopia which is just an arm's distance away. And for some reason no matter how hard you reach, instead of getting closer you see it slipping further away. "

Today: And eventually, you stop reaching. you tell yourself that it was a dream built on illusions and the self perception which warped your own thoughts, feelings, dreams and expectations. you still can't completely convince yourself to give up, but you continue to tell yourself Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, and whatver happened and whatever will happen is ultimately for the best.

The last post on Hajj was a simplistic emotional outburst attempting to be simmered down, and it didn't do any justice to the awesomeness of Hajj. I could go into the obligations of hajj, the commandments of hajj, the exceptions, the rewards, but really I want to talk about this unexplainable deep almost painful desire to go and realizing not only am I unprepared...I have yet to be invited.

The official Hajj season is over, and muslims from all over the world are returning to their homes bringing back tasbihs, hijabs, and little pieces of Mecca and Medinah back with them. They're also bringing back a piece of the ummah with them. Not only because they have been around others of the ummah and gained from them, but because after Hajj...they've seen the ummah...they've been a part of that magnificent inertia like movement of millions of worshippers circling around the Ka'bah; they have bowed and prostrated as a whole to The One, the only One. They bring back the part of the ummah that is themselves, for they have finally realized what they are a part of.

Hajj changes people. People who didn't really care much for their cultural, "amee-makes-me-pray," "yea its this thing we do," religion, into people who go home and care...they go home and its no longer this thing they brush aside, and hope no one asks them about it. It becomes a part of their identity...they've realized they are not alone. Then they don't worry about answering questions, sideways glances about their hijab/beard. I think Hajj makes people better. It works on your soul. My soul needs to be worked on.

I realize I am romanticizing alot about Hajj, and what I'm thinking might be wrong(it's probably not). I haven't been yet...but inshaAllah I will go soon. I do see the people around me who have gone and how they have changed. It gives me hope, that I can change...do not disenchant me.

Hajj changes people's lives. Hajj makes people better people. Hajj fills you with eman and lets your cup overflow. Even hearing about other people making hajj, and seeing them change for the better, and when their cup overflows with eman, it flows over to all the people around them.

For the past few years I've lived by a personal motto in dealing with other people, and in situations where there is a possibitliy of a bad outcome : expect nothing of people, and have very low expectations. If something good happens you will be happy, if it doesn't then you never got your hopes up to begin with, so there is no let down.

Its worked out okay as well. I haven't been let down very much because of my lack of expectations. However, I've been rethinking this idea...what is the point of the concept of "hope" in my life if I am not hoping and expecting the best? Why shouldn't I become emotionally excited and hope with everything and every kernel of faith...shouldn't we make du'a to Allah with yaqeen that He will respond? This would make not only the moment in which the thing is granted joyous, but rather the entire process would be full of joy and hope and good expectations.

I'm not going to be completely unrealistic...I realize people will still fall short, that is our nature. So when something doesn't live up to all the high expectations, one could suffer the blow with dignity, and grace and gratitude. Learn lessons from it and all that jazz...Isn't that the truer mark of character and of faith, that when things don't work out how we expected them to that we are still firm, thankful, humble, and recognizing it was all in the hands of Allah to begin with...how can we do that if we never had any expectations to begin with?

Isn't there a principle about having high expectations of others, and when they sense it, or outright know it, they will want to live up to those? And why is it that when someone lets us down that we try to justify it away with...meh, he's just a person, what did you expect? Humanity, civility, decency, fear of Allah... are we making the absense of these qualities the social norm? If you are unloyal, lie, cheat, backbite, gossip, letting people down and hurting them willy nilly, that that is just your nature...? I guess there is more to this than what Im writing here...the extremely high expectations have a negative effect, and that in Islam of course we're told about social morals, but how society has applied them or rather ignored them is what is under scrutiny here.

Last question...
Is it as bad to be dissapointing others (through social immorality) as it is to not have any expectations of others at all (because we create a social norm where it is acceptable to be a jerk)?

I'm still thinking about all this, and my personal motto is under serious reconsideration... for now though, I am going to hope with all hope, and pray with all my faith, for the things which are good in my life and I will expect that Allah will grant me the best, and no less.