I found this written on February 16th, time 7:58. I think the year is 2004 because the notebook is for classes I took in 2004.

" I can't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child. Though I can relate to the heart grieving at the loss of a potential life (of the merging of two tattered souls in hopes of some completion). A potentially beautiful life, which on its own was simply a series of monotonous tasks- eating, sleeping, breathing. The potential to turn that into a beautiful union in which its factors extend beyond themselves into each other and you're a part of something bigger than yourself your life has more meaning, more worth. To lose this potential for reasons unknown makes the heart grieve and the eyes bleed tears. You dream and think about it everyday and hope that as cheesy as it may be your dreams come true. You do what you can , what you know how, whatever you think might help to make it a reality and you know what they say about hopes, dreams and expectations in general- if you have very low (hopes, dreams) and expectations, they're harder to let down. But sometimes when you find a blessing, when a blessing so wonderful is bestowed upon you that you wonder how you could possibly be worthy of it( so wonderful that you use the word "bestowed"- because its such a miraculous gift of God's generosity)- you let your guard down. You build up hopes and dreams of a utopia which is just an arm's distance away. And for some reason no matter how hard you reach, instead of getting closer you see it slipping further away. "

Today: And eventually, you stop reaching. you tell yourself that it was a dream built on illusions and the self perception which warped your own thoughts, feelings, dreams and expectations. you still can't completely convince yourself to give up, but you continue to tell yourself Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, and whatver happened and whatever will happen is ultimately for the best.