This morning after I brushed my teeth, I dipped my brush in baking soda and gave em a good scrub. Yay for baking soda and shiny teeth. =D

He's got my queen in a head lock

I like the new blue layout. I actually didn't care for the other ones...they were just there to serve a purpose. I think the blue is soothing, and I like coming to the blog. It's also convenient to have links on my sidebar. Hm, i think it's a new place to call "blome"? =P

I got tagged by ummlayth.muslimpad.com , thanks.

So here are the rules:
People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

Only, I haven't thought of the six people yet, so I'll leave that out for now.

10. I took Business Calculus for fun.
9. I can't sleep with my socks on.
8. I've had crushes on fictional/historical characters, including: Batman (cartoon), Thoreau, Mr. Darcy, Holden Caulfield and Donatello (the purple bandana'ed ninja turtle).
7. I type out replies to threads on forums and close them out without posting often.
6. I listen to my cassette player in my car more than my CD player.
5. I always sneeze 3-15 times in a row...always.
4. When talking or listening to people I have a lot of facial expression, and they can tell what I'm thinking. No poker face here.
3. I remember phone numbers from the 2nd grade. That might be my superpower.
2. I like grits.
1. I may be the queen of awkward conversations. Not just conversations that end up being awkward, not the kind with long pauses, stumbling over your words, misunderstandings, or slips of the tongue; but truly awkward combinations of people, perspectives, backgrounds, situations and issues or subjects being talked about. I'd give examples, but that would be a whole new post. By queen, I also do not mean I am good at them...I've just had too many.

More pictures of the ATL aquarium by Editor's request. They have a place where you can touch the stingrays, and sharks...that was really cool. They also have a HUGE wall of glass where its almost like a theatre and you can watch the fish. They have glass ceilings in some areas, so the fish are swimming around you and above you. Those are the Spider Crabs at the bottom...they were huge. SubhanAllah.

Spider Crabs, jellyfish, The Wall, Penguins, and if you look closely...there's a seahorse too. So if you're ever in Atlanta, go to the world's largest aquarium...

Innocence is dead.

It's been fading in my mind slowly, but I'm jolted awake from the uneasy sleep. Watching the bright red numbers change from 2:13 to 3:38 to 4:19 and eventually tossing my sheets aside. Even in wakefulness nothing seems real, its all blurred and surreal. The ebb of reality pulling away and snatching a part of me: like an elastic gumby doll being manipulated, then having its limbs hacked off. A freak circus mirror with a distorted reflection of self and my world: I feel betrayed. The ebb turns to a wave of nausea sweeping over me because frankly, I can't stomach the truth that is destroying the world I knew.

The reality of what I always knew to be purity, goodness, and innocence is as covered in muck and filth as the bottom feeders that survive on it.

Yet a slim glimmer of hope remains and if only
our prayers are heard
and
we hold on tight enough
and
we rise up high enough
can we shake the shit off
wash ourselves clean
and
repent and mourn the death of our innocence

innocence is dead

I had a strange dream last night:
he is 5 years old and the soft peach fuzz of his round face brushes my cheek as he lays his head on my shoulder.wrapping my arms around the small person standing in front of me emphasizes how our lives encompass each others. despite this, the reflective quality of his expression gives me the startling realization that he is my son. my arms wrap around his back and my hands reach back again to my shoulders. his small body presses against me and i can feel his heart beating through mine. the beating of his heart is calm, his eyes are a deep brown, bright and have the carelessness which only the naivety and innocence of childhood could possess.
I woke up happy and somewhat confused.

mmm...fruit

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me. ED

I've never actually lived amongst Muslims for a long period of time. So over different continents and cultures, I've been a bit of an oddity or a novelty. I think that novelty has become part of my personality. After an introduction, or even before, people are interested in my background, and inevitably my religion. I've got these conversations thoroughly run through, and I know how to carry myself now through them. I realize it has a stagnant effect as well, and it requires great leaps and bounds for me to actually do things to better myself as a muslimah. But now I'm faced with the prospect of living amongst many other people like me. So, I'm a little insecure... once the novelty is gone...and I don't have to answer the normal hundred fifty or so questions I get, what will I have to say? if anything, will it be meaningful?

I might have to discover for myself what's really underneath the hijab...

After today, I really feel like I have failed at life. However, instead of pointing out how I have failed, I will in a concise bulleted list tell about the magnanimous lessons I have learned and how they will impact my life forever.

• always carry poi as mandated by your state and other surrounding states, especially when you are traveling...especially when you are traveling.
• never reach for baklava while driving
• always keep your brakes pressed down hard at a red light
• always stop at least 2-3 feet away from the car in front of you, as to avoid any domino effect bumping
• always note the name, license plate, race, age, gender, car make/model/color/condition of all people involved should they drive away and leave you to take the blame.
• keep fresh brownies handy especially when traveling so as to comfort you in any unforeseen situation.
• carefully note your court date
• carefully in big letters write your court date in a planner
• consult your planner and said court date before making other plans
• when attempting to reschedule, do not leave the job to a secretary...call, call, call, call until the job is done.
• when you cannot clone yourself or make it to the appointment, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail and lose a turn.
  

Sometimes the pain doesn't fade, but it can change over time and take the form of remembering all the happy memories, and the love. It wouldn't be right to not miss them and not grieve. When pillars collapse, those who depended on them will undoubtedly stumble.

Alhamdulillah!!

While checking my email this morning:

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.



Thanks Maya...thanks.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you'll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

who do you love? me or the thought of me?

It really doesn't feel like winter time today. Its sunny, and slightly breezy and beautiful in general. =)

I found this written on February 16th, time 7:58. I think the year is 2004 because the notebook is for classes I took in 2004.

" I can't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child. Though I can relate to the heart grieving at the loss of a potential life (of the merging of two tattered souls in hopes of some completion). A potentially beautiful life, which on its own was simply a series of monotonous tasks- eating, sleeping, breathing. The potential to turn that into a beautiful union in which its factors extend beyond themselves into each other and you're a part of something bigger than yourself your life has more meaning, more worth. To lose this potential for reasons unknown makes the heart grieve and the eyes bleed tears. You dream and think about it everyday and hope that as cheesy as it may be your dreams come true. You do what you can , what you know how, whatever you think might help to make it a reality and you know what they say about hopes, dreams and expectations in general- if you have very low (hopes, dreams) and expectations, they're harder to let down. But sometimes when you find a blessing, when a blessing so wonderful is bestowed upon you that you wonder how you could possibly be worthy of it( so wonderful that you use the word "bestowed"- because its such a miraculous gift of God's generosity)- you let your guard down. You build up hopes and dreams of a utopia which is just an arm's distance away. And for some reason no matter how hard you reach, instead of getting closer you see it slipping further away. "

Today: And eventually, you stop reaching. you tell yourself that it was a dream built on illusions and the self perception which warped your own thoughts, feelings, dreams and expectations. you still can't completely convince yourself to give up, but you continue to tell yourself Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, and whatver happened and whatever will happen is ultimately for the best.