To Faith and Abbay

Faith, or rather intensity of faith... fluctuates. It reminds me of my cat in its subtle approach. You can get lost trying to find it. Look under the beds, the china cabinet, in the closet & when you're at your wits end, you look in the bathtub. Hm... so you resume your daily activity ... cuz you've got other things to do. You try to forget, hope she'll come back, hope she knows where to find you.

At the end of a long day, she emerges in your doorway. Strides in casually as though she had been waiting for you all along. The beautiful colors of her coat contrast off each other and the confindence in her stride remind you of how slickness is a built-in characteristic of a cat. She stops by the bed and measures the distance, leaps onto it as easily as she would take a step forward. Cuddles up close to your body and purrs. You feel her warmth, her breathing and the quick beating of her heart. And you're not upset that it took her so long to get there, or that she didn't come when you called, or hid from you so cleverly while you searched endlessly for her... you're just glad that now she's there. Now you can be in her company ...

When you feel so far away from God, when you begin to wonder what happened to that kid that bubbled with faith and love... the kid that was here just moments ago... and what happened to His presence and why don't you feel it anymore... you search endlessly and at your wits end, look for Him, for your faith, for your salvation in the oddest of places. You wonder how to look, if you should, if it'll come back. You pray that it does because now you're a shell of a person. Faith was the only thing that made you whole, belief in Him and salvation was the only thing that made this life seem worthwhile. As hard as it may have gotten here, you knew something lied beyond this life of materialism . And if you don't have that, if you don't know that... then your spirit is broken, if you can't beleive there is something better waiting for you somewhere... then... well, then your heart, and soul are dead.

When you want it back bad enough though... and you pray, He listens. And in the subtlest way, at the end of a long day... it might be the smile of baby, or a verse, or a glance at the moon, watching the snow fall that brings her(faith) back. Or you realize that missing your faith to where you beg for it back... that is faith... and she (faith) comes strolling back in as though she had been waiting for you all along and you're just glad that now she's there.

(sept. 04)