innocence is dead

I had a strange dream last night:
he is 5 years old and the soft peach fuzz of his round face brushes my cheek as he lays his head on my shoulder.wrapping my arms around the small person standing in front of me emphasizes how our lives encompass each others. despite this, the reflective quality of his expression gives me the startling realization that he is my son. my arms wrap around his back and my hands reach back again to my shoulders. his small body presses against me and i can feel his heart beating through mine. the beating of his heart is calm, his eyes are a deep brown, bright and have the carelessness which only the naivety and innocence of childhood could possess.
I woke up happy and somewhat confused.

mmm...fruit

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me. ED

I've never actually lived amongst Muslims for a long period of time. So over different continents and cultures, I've been a bit of an oddity or a novelty. I think that novelty has become part of my personality. After an introduction, or even before, people are interested in my background, and inevitably my religion. I've got these conversations thoroughly run through, and I know how to carry myself now through them. I realize it has a stagnant effect as well, and it requires great leaps and bounds for me to actually do things to better myself as a muslimah. But now I'm faced with the prospect of living amongst many other people like me. So, I'm a little insecure... once the novelty is gone...and I don't have to answer the normal hundred fifty or so questions I get, what will I have to say? if anything, will it be meaningful?

I might have to discover for myself what's really underneath the hijab...

After today, I really feel like I have failed at life. However, instead of pointing out how I have failed, I will in a concise bulleted list tell about the magnanimous lessons I have learned and how they will impact my life forever.

• always carry poi as mandated by your state and other surrounding states, especially when you are traveling...especially when you are traveling.
• never reach for baklava while driving
• always keep your brakes pressed down hard at a red light
• always stop at least 2-3 feet away from the car in front of you, as to avoid any domino effect bumping
• always note the name, license plate, race, age, gender, car make/model/color/condition of all people involved should they drive away and leave you to take the blame.
• keep fresh brownies handy especially when traveling so as to comfort you in any unforeseen situation.
• carefully note your court date
• carefully in big letters write your court date in a planner
• consult your planner and said court date before making other plans
• when attempting to reschedule, do not leave the job to a secretary...call, call, call, call until the job is done.
• when you cannot clone yourself or make it to the appointment, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to jail and lose a turn.
  

Sometimes the pain doesn't fade, but it can change over time and take the form of remembering all the happy memories, and the love. It wouldn't be right to not miss them and not grieve. When pillars collapse, those who depended on them will undoubtedly stumble.

Alhamdulillah!!

While checking my email this morning:

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.



Thanks Maya...thanks.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you'll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

who do you love? me or the thought of me?

It really doesn't feel like winter time today. Its sunny, and slightly breezy and beautiful in general. =)

I found this written on February 16th, time 7:58. I think the year is 2004 because the notebook is for classes I took in 2004.

" I can't pretend to understand the grief of losing a child. Though I can relate to the heart grieving at the loss of a potential life (of the merging of two tattered souls in hopes of some completion). A potentially beautiful life, which on its own was simply a series of monotonous tasks- eating, sleeping, breathing. The potential to turn that into a beautiful union in which its factors extend beyond themselves into each other and you're a part of something bigger than yourself your life has more meaning, more worth. To lose this potential for reasons unknown makes the heart grieve and the eyes bleed tears. You dream and think about it everyday and hope that as cheesy as it may be your dreams come true. You do what you can , what you know how, whatever you think might help to make it a reality and you know what they say about hopes, dreams and expectations in general- if you have very low (hopes, dreams) and expectations, they're harder to let down. But sometimes when you find a blessing, when a blessing so wonderful is bestowed upon you that you wonder how you could possibly be worthy of it( so wonderful that you use the word "bestowed"- because its such a miraculous gift of God's generosity)- you let your guard down. You build up hopes and dreams of a utopia which is just an arm's distance away. And for some reason no matter how hard you reach, instead of getting closer you see it slipping further away. "

Today: And eventually, you stop reaching. you tell yourself that it was a dream built on illusions and the self perception which warped your own thoughts, feelings, dreams and expectations. you still can't completely convince yourself to give up, but you continue to tell yourself Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal, and whatver happened and whatever will happen is ultimately for the best.

The last post on Hajj was a simplistic emotional outburst attempting to be simmered down, and it didn't do any justice to the awesomeness of Hajj. I could go into the obligations of hajj, the commandments of hajj, the exceptions, the rewards, but really I want to talk about this unexplainable deep almost painful desire to go and realizing not only am I unprepared...I have yet to be invited.

The official Hajj season is over, and muslims from all over the world are returning to their homes bringing back tasbihs, hijabs, and little pieces of Mecca and Medinah back with them. They're also bringing back a piece of the ummah with them. Not only because they have been around others of the ummah and gained from them, but because after Hajj...they've seen the ummah...they've been a part of that magnificent inertia like movement of millions of worshippers circling around the Ka'bah; they have bowed and prostrated as a whole to The One, the only One. They bring back the part of the ummah that is themselves, for they have finally realized what they are a part of.

Hajj changes people. People who didn't really care much for their cultural, "amee-makes-me-pray," "yea its this thing we do," religion, into people who go home and care...they go home and its no longer this thing they brush aside, and hope no one asks them about it. It becomes a part of their identity...they've realized they are not alone. Then they don't worry about answering questions, sideways glances about their hijab/beard. I think Hajj makes people better. It works on your soul. My soul needs to be worked on.

I realize I am romanticizing alot about Hajj, and what I'm thinking might be wrong(it's probably not). I haven't been yet...but inshaAllah I will go soon. I do see the people around me who have gone and how they have changed. It gives me hope, that I can change...do not disenchant me.

Hajj changes people's lives. Hajj makes people better people. Hajj fills you with eman and lets your cup overflow. Even hearing about other people making hajj, and seeing them change for the better, and when their cup overflows with eman, it flows over to all the people around them.

For the past few years I've lived by a personal motto in dealing with other people, and in situations where there is a possibitliy of a bad outcome : expect nothing of people, and have very low expectations. If something good happens you will be happy, if it doesn't then you never got your hopes up to begin with, so there is no let down.

Its worked out okay as well. I haven't been let down very much because of my lack of expectations. However, I've been rethinking this idea...what is the point of the concept of "hope" in my life if I am not hoping and expecting the best? Why shouldn't I become emotionally excited and hope with everything and every kernel of faith...shouldn't we make du'a to Allah with yaqeen that He will respond? This would make not only the moment in which the thing is granted joyous, but rather the entire process would be full of joy and hope and good expectations.

I'm not going to be completely unrealistic...I realize people will still fall short, that is our nature. So when something doesn't live up to all the high expectations, one could suffer the blow with dignity, and grace and gratitude. Learn lessons from it and all that jazz...Isn't that the truer mark of character and of faith, that when things don't work out how we expected them to that we are still firm, thankful, humble, and recognizing it was all in the hands of Allah to begin with...how can we do that if we never had any expectations to begin with?

Isn't there a principle about having high expectations of others, and when they sense it, or outright know it, they will want to live up to those? And why is it that when someone lets us down that we try to justify it away with...meh, he's just a person, what did you expect? Humanity, civility, decency, fear of Allah... are we making the absense of these qualities the social norm? If you are unloyal, lie, cheat, backbite, gossip, letting people down and hurting them willy nilly, that that is just your nature...? I guess there is more to this than what Im writing here...the extremely high expectations have a negative effect, and that in Islam of course we're told about social morals, but how society has applied them or rather ignored them is what is under scrutiny here.

Last question...
Is it as bad to be dissapointing others (through social immorality) as it is to not have any expectations of others at all (because we create a social norm where it is acceptable to be a jerk)?

I'm still thinking about all this, and my personal motto is under serious reconsideration... for now though, I am going to hope with all hope, and pray with all my faith, for the things which are good in my life and I will expect that Allah will grant me the best, and no less.

Project A has turned into a combination of yarns, and I cannot leave it uncompleted. The search for a person willing to wear this continues...and I think will continue for a very long time. =P


Project B which although is one type of yarn, there's a good bit of experimentation with the stitching.My mother won't let me quit making a pattern, its much easier to just knit without thinking. heh.

I was studying with my brother outside the computer hall on campus a couple weeks ago. We were sitting on the patio area outside because the breeze was nice. It was the first time I stayed so late on campus and it was nice to hang out with my brother. He pretended to study and I pretended to read. We talked alot about the end of his career as a "student," and what he would do in the "real world". Talking with him made me a bit scared for myself, although my major has more of a direct job market. InshaAllah it'll all turn out fine. Then he went inside to check his email and get something to eat. While he was gone, a man approached me, and said salaams...acted like he was about to walk away, then asked me where i was from and if i spoke arabic. Briefly looking up from my books, I responded, noticing his well-ironed striped oh-too-colorful shirt. Now knowing that my appearance belied my arabic fluency, he pretended to walk away again. I continued to look too busy to be bothered, the entire time thinking, "when is he leaving? why won't he leavvvee?!? " He approached me again, and told me where he was from. The whole time I'm wondering where my brother was and why he was taking so long. I kept looking at my computer and books like i was incredibly busy. Alhamdulillah, it finally worked and he walked away. He would never have talked to me if my brother was there.

Now, I'm usually interested in knowing about people who might be muslim and even those who aren't (im such a crazy liberal) . It is of genuine interest to me, however, when it feels like you're hitting on me...I get nervous and antsy and can't wait for you to leave. I usually just approach girls. I think that should be the general rule...don't talk to me unless you're a girl. But apparently people don't know about this rule. I would think at least Muslim guys should know this rule. What really irks me is the 21 questions. I really just want to tell people, it's none of your business. Muslim male or not...you don't need to know me, or where i'm from, where I go to school, what's my major, who are my parents, where did i grow up, how my english is so good, am I married, how old i am, what I'm wearing underneath, how long is my hair, what color is my hair. I just don't think it is any of your business. You don't start a conversation that way. It's rude. Ask me about my thing on my head (hijab), why I wear black, am i a mozlem, why i am not christian, where is OBL, or if I've accepted Jesus (as)...questions like that I'm cool with.

I really don't like personal questions. Especially when you're some random person in Wal-mart. Break the ice, ask me where the garbanzo beans are, show me the cute baby in your buggy. But despite my desire to be somewhat comfortable, people still ask very personal questions before they ever say hello. Being "The Ambassador of Islam" that I am, I always politely oblige them with simple truthful, skip-the-details answers. *sigh*

If you know a way to evade personal questions in a polite manner that won't turn people off from you or islam, please do share.

lately, im distracted...